Cogito ergo sum

One year ago today, one of the most important people in my life passed away: my grandfather. It was my first experience dealing with the death of someone so close and I wasn't sure how I was going to handle it. I was so filled with emotions: the grief of losing a loved one, the relief that came with his years-long battle with Alzheimer's finally ending, the happiness of learning his history and remembering our history together. I wanted everyone to understand how important this man was to me and I did so in the only way I knew how: by creating. I felt compelled to write his obituary and took on that responsibility before anyone else had even thought of it. I spent hours searching for the perfect song to sing at his funeral; I do not consider myself the greatest public speaker, but singing for my Poppa B one last time is something I felt passionate about and couldn’t not do. I coped with and expressed my emotions regarding my grandfather’s death by creating and performing. And while this was easily one of the most heartbreaking weeks of my life, I was not without comfort and I still felt whole.

Lately, I have found myself thinking and saying "I want to be a writer" too often. I don't care if I have an infinite audience or if I am my only reader - I write because I feel, and I feel because I write. I am inspired and I create. The quality of my work is relative and inconsequential. I am passionate and I believe in it. I am constantly working, constantly practicing, and constantly improving. The desire to improve and my passion for creation inspire me to continue creating.

One of the greatest things about the arts is that there are no prerequisites. Saying "I want to be a writer" puts you only a few words away from saying "I am a writer." You can sing a song and your voice may crack, but now you're a singer - if you want to be. Throw some colors on a canvas and if it inspires you, I would call you an artist. The only thing that the arts ever require of anyone is passion: to be enthusiastic and deeply emotional about what you are doing. The emotions don't even matter, which is something so beautiful: art can move a person to tears. Art can move its own creators to tears. There can be a million different emotions behind these tears, but it's still art, and it's still evoking emotion. 

Cogito ergo sum. I think, therefore I am. I am a writer and I am a musician. I create, therefore I am an artist.

So are you.

In loving memory of Paul Wentroth Brandenburger

August 13, 1934 - June 17, 2013

Six Year Otterversary!

Ryan and I are desperate to see some otters this year for our anniversary, and so we are attempting to crowd-fund our anniversary date. Worth a shot, right?! Plus, there are prizes if you donate certain amounts :)

It sure has been a while!

Goodness. Everyone's read A Wrinkle In Time, right? It feels like someone wrinkled the time-space continuum to completely skip over the month of May. It went by so quickly that I don't even know what happened. I'm going to try to give a nice little recap (with the help of my planner, of course, because lawd knows that's where my brain is) so that the internet can be adequately caught up on my life.

• The identity crisis over my major and schooling gave way to dispassionate apathy. I chose the path of least resistance to my main goal: get the hell out of college. Since no major can grant me the pleasure of being the creative, writing, laundry-doing, crock-pot-cookin' domestic goddess that we all know I was meant to be, I went ahead and continued on with the major that would take the least time: psychology. I am, however, completing a sociology minor of some sort (I'm still undecided as to whether I want to do general sociology or crime, law, & deviance, but it will probably be the latter) and I am so thankful, because I really love sociology.
• My classes for the spring semester ended up grading me worse than I had expected, and so I am re-taking statistical methods for psychology right now. It's all good.
• Fun fact: before I PTFO last night and got a solid 11 hours of sleep last night, I would have told you I was dying.
• On April 22, Ryan found out he was not going to be going to Field Training, and after three years of busting ass, working hard, waking up at 6am, shaving twice a day, and dedicating himself to AFROTC, it was all over. His GPA had just missed the cut to be in Field Training Prep last year, and this year was his last chance. It really was heartbreaking. We both cried, and we both entered a mega ultra supreme infinite world of uncertainty as we both tried to figure out our identity crises. Everything is still up in the air for now, but I am so proud of Ryan for his hard work and everything he's done and he's just a really wonderful man and no matter what, I know he's going to make a positive impact on the world.
• Ryan took me to a number of family reunions and dinners and holidays with his extended family and I actually had a little bit of fun. Aside from the fact that I constantly ended up there way later than I wanted to be (I live by early bedtimes and early alarms and morning shifts - his family, not so much, hehe), it's a nice experience to be surrounded by a large family who all have nothing but friendship and love with each other. I still don't really want a wedding, much less a big wedding, but since we'll probably have to have one: at least I know the large amounts of people will be nice!
• Work is going well. Simon Property Group has recently completely changed its brand and so we're doing a lot of work with that at the moment, but overall it's been quite the same. This week hasn't been very good, but that's more because I've been malnourished and without adequate rest and overwhelmed. But like I said earlier, I finally got some quality sleep last night and I feel great.
• Got a haircut for the first time since December 2012. As you can probably imagine, I needed a trim. I went to the best hair salon in Orlando and was able to tell the stylist "listen, it's been over a year since a blade has touched this hair. I've taken good care of it, and I am still growing it out, but you know what to do. I don't want bangs and I don't want to lose more than two inches of length. Have fun" and he knew exactly what to do. It was awesome. I'm super happy with my hair now, and that's making the whole process of growing it out really easy.
• I'm hilariously broke/in debt. Things generally were going well until I needed groceries and gas and this and that - but I had zero cash. So I had to put it on my credit card and now, well, yeah, my life is a joke. I don't get paid enough and I'm not scheduled enough and so now I spend my days stressing about all the money I owe.
• Fortunately, however, my credit score is still ballin' because I always make payments on time and such, and I was approved for an apartment with a coworker from the mall in May! It's going to be closer to work, it's super quiet, it's a laid back community, it is in no way affiliated with college, and it is way cheaper than where I am now. I'm moving in July.
• Ryan got his security license and he's going to be starting work as a security officer later this month! Which is awesome!
• Over the summer I'm taking four classes: humanities, patterns of domestic violence, statistical methods for psychology, and perception. I can't even remember what I signed up for the fall semester.
• My rats have been free-ranging a LOT lately, and it's been really awesome. I've been able to clean a lot so I was able to rat-proof my bedroom and I think all of us are really loving it. It's fun to watch them explore and play and catch them asleep in a funny place. :)
• As for planners, I recently acquired a Filofax Dark Aqua Original in the Personal Size, and I have completely switched into that as my one and only planner. I look at my Malibu every day and basically cry because it's beautiful and I love it, but I fell in love with the Filofax the second I got it and I haven't been able to go back!
• I've been looking into getting my concealed weapons license since my 21st birthday is soon, anddddd yeah it's been cool!

I'm sure there's something I'm missing, but my brain is just all over the place, so I'll just end it there. Let's hope I can keep updating!

Hope you all have a lovely week :)