I am exhausted. I am burnt-out and broken down. I am over-worked, under-motivated, and yet my mind is constantly racing with ideas, to-do lists, worries, needs, wants. My body can't keep up with my mind and my mind can't keep up with the world.
Just like my energy, my attention span and motivation are waning. If I am not staring aimlessly at nothing, my brain is constantly coming up with new thoughts that MUST(!!!!!) be remembered or taken care of or written down. And so most of the time, I am left with either an unrealistically long to-do list, or an overwhelming plague of disappointment because I couldn't remember that idea, that thing I needed to do, that blog post I wanted to write.
I am at work right now; a place I am finding myself quite often lately. I don't really mind it. The job is wonderful, for the most part, and as far as I'm aware, I'm not disappointnig the higher-ups in any way. However, that damn mind of mine is constantly bringing me down.
While at work (in down time - usually there are lulls at the booth), I wanted simply to study for the statistics final that I have tomorrow at 7am.
Instead, I started typing up a simple study guide, and quickly gave up for lack of attention and anxiety over the fact that I have a 7am final and I won't be home until 11pm at the earliest and I'm far less than prepared for this final than I'd like to be and college is overwhelming and I don't know what I'm doing with it and at this point I'd rather just drop out.
See what I mean? It's overwhelming.
All week I've been trying to take a break from staring aimlessly or endless task lists by sitting down and writing in my journal, catching up on some television, scrapbooking, whatever. Just something relaxing; preferably something that requires some focus and creative energy.
My theme for anything I've done this week has been "slow down." It's written in giant, colorful letters on at least two days in my planner this week.
The problem, however, is that I feel like I don't have time, and maybe I don't. I don't know.
All I know is that it's finals week, my psychiatrist is missing in action, my therapist can't get me in to see her, CVS is out of my crazy pills, and constantly failing at keeping up with my racing mind is not helping.
So, my dearest followers, I have some advice. Whether you're dealing with work stress, school stress, family stress, holiday stress, something else, all of the above, whatever:
Slow down.
The laundry will be folded. The groceries will be bought. The checkbooks will be balanced and regardless of the outcome, this semester will be over soon. And no matter what happens, you will feel better when it's all over and you know that, if anything, you survived.
I'm trying to take this to heart, myself. I have a massive problem with not living in the moment - quite common among those who suffer from notable anxiety issues. Earlier today - and I wish I remembered what I had actually thought - I told myself that I'm not living in the moment. I was living in the two hours from now, ten hours from now, a week from now, a decade from now, and I needed to snap back into the moment.
I have since been brought back to my usual state of future-panic, but I had a nice morning of peace in which I was able to run some necessary errands (deposit check at the bank, pay rent, try to fill prescription, check mail, get textbook from Ryan's) while enjoying Christmas music and not panicking about the fact that I'd be leaving for work in a few hours and I wish there was more time in the day.
Just slow down every once in a while. Regardless of how I do on my final tomorrow, or how my grade comes out in the class, I know I'll be significantly more relaxed on Monday when all of my work is done for a month.
Your kids will still hug you, even if you can only provide a $50 Christmas. Your parents will still love you, even if you fail that test. Your significant other won't hate you if some comfort or ease in the relationship is sacrificed in order for you to do something you love.
And if they do, maybe they need to slow down, too.
